I now have a daily supply of a prescribed slow release amphetamine derivative; courtesy of medical insurance.

...and so far so good. But do let me know if I seem psychotic or suicidal guys.



So there ya go.

its taken a lot of proxy blocked drama to get this far...

so if this update works... sweet

I'm trying not hope in a coincidence that's beginning to seem more and more conspicuous. The coincidence that it was to stumble upon this job in China at the exact moment of my mini depression.


Trying not to... but I can't help it :)



But even ignoring it; I'm still SO EXCITED!




However it was a somewhat multifaceted depression though... I don't care; so long as it turns out to be step in the right direction for at least one of the facets. And it will. I have no doubt. Man I can't wait to be on that plane!!!

i want to do more than i think.

( Dear Numark )

I'm going to China for 2.5 years!



Amazing!

I'm preaching at my church this Sunday evening. I'm taking the laptop with me and doing a sermon / ambient live set devotional. A kind of 'communicate your own psalm' lesson: capturing and expressing moods to God. Hope it works. Should be fun.

I might rhyme on it...

not a preacher... i'm a teacher
a facilitator... sound manipulator
the holy spirit's not an imitator

hehe :)

nah, probably not though.


I just completed a five day fast of eating only fruit and vegetables. It was really hard! But I think my body thanks me. I bent my own rules just a little and in so doing discovered the joys of making your own soup. Deliciousness extreme.

China verdict still weeks away. I really want this job!

Far out, i have like a years worth of journal entries on one page these days. I really haven't invested into livejournal since I became a teacher. I am the seed scattered amongst thorns.

Anywho, I remember writing in this journal that I could only really see two possible pathways for my future; and that it would be way cooler if neither of them came to pass. Well life might just have thrown me that curve ball.

I randomly applied to teach at an International School in China when I read an ad in the free christian newspaper thing handed to me when I visited my old church in perth. A million forms, references, emails, and phone calls later... things are well and truly in motion. I'd say it it looks more than hopeful. In fact, I think I might well be off to China for two and half years in January! I don't want to count my chickens before they've hatched or anything... but I really think this is going to happen! At first it was just a random and interesting idea; one more way of me keeping my options open for next year. But as the process has quickly gained momentum, I've really had to contemplate the idea of actually going. Well the more I learn about it, the more excited I'm getting! I can't wait to find out for sure. I will be really disappointed if I don't get it actually! Teaching in Perth seems so lame in comparison.


This is the radical change I've been wanting. Fingers crossed!

girls girls girls

I choose emotional drama over emotional boredom.
Then the drama subsides and a hurt remains.
The hurt fades and I become bored again.
Apathetic and idle... until some more drama comes along.

I need a new fix.




This song has been my bandaid on repeat for quite a few days now:

I keep on fear, keep on loathing
Nothing brings it on I keep on falling
Decide what it is I can not find
It's subsides what you make it
Never feel like you're gonna break it
It's gonna be alright alright
Sleep until the morning comes
The sun will warm your soul
Sleep until the morning comes for you
Til the morning it's alright
I can walk into the sunlight, into the day, into the day, to the day
I feel it falling, nothing comes to my mind
Bring it on in a different tide
I feel alright, alright
I feel strong, i feel rigid
It's nothing to do with the vision
Oh feels so right, so right
Sleep on tight, sleep on tight
Sleep until the sunlight
Sleep until sunlight
Sleep on tight
Sleep on tight
Sleep on tight
Sleep on tight, til the sunlight
Sleep on tight, til the sunlight burns you happy
Til the sunlight burns you happy, till the sunlight burns a happy whole in
Your heart,
In your heart
In your heart...



i finally feel a song coming on though.

Although my sadness has a pretty clear cause; a self inflicted one no less, I now have to lump it. There's no regret here, only sighs. No solutions either, only prayers.

I don't know if this is only temporary, but since its pointless to complain, I'm really venting it towards other [possibly unrelated] things. Namely: I wanna leave Kalgoorlie. I wanna leave teaching. I wanna plug into God for a while. I wanna goto Koh Tao Thailand for six months and just go diving everyday. Yeah, I'm really hating on teaching right now.

Something is stirring. And if I have to wrestle change to the ground I will.


I guess she would be pleased that I'm learning a lesson. I'm learning that in spite of a facade of good intentions and caution, I still wanna throw my heart at whatever it would attach itself to. It's involuntary. Well maybe not in this case. Or maybe?






gosh damn figtrees.